Category: My Story

I’m not a player, I just crush a lot

Unless you work from home and see nobody but maybe your pets, you’re going to have a colleague you become attracted to. Also, not to get things mixed up with having a thing for your pets. Uhh, anyway, could be right away or maybe it takes a little time first. Then again, attraction is one thing but developing a crush is another. If you asked me about all my work crushes, I would be a wh*re… without pay. In the many jobs I’ve had… and current, there’s been one or multiple for each job where I find myself crushing over someone. But the longer you work at one place, the more crushes you will find yourself having. At least, that’s with my situation.

Barista

Let’s take my current job for example, especially while my memories fresh! But for me, I have two jobs so we’ll start with the first. Been working as a barista now for three years and I love it! The vibe is great, customers are wonderful (for the most part), and my colleagues are just incredible. I will say, I do work with mostly women, in both my jobs actually, which explains the many love interests I have. But honestly, when I first started working here, I felt like my teenage self again back in high school. Everyone just so beautiful and me, just this quiet kid hoping not to make a fool of himself. I was mostly known, and still am to this day as having these one liners that makes everyone laugh. It really did take me a while to be a little more open just because everyone else seemed like they just connected with each other so easily, all while I’m just observing and taking it all in. It was a fast working environment as well, so I did my best just to try and keep up. Some things took me a lot longer to figure out, but other things were just natural.

Of course, during my time learning something new like this, there’s no denying I started catching feelings in the process. One individual (I won’t name names this time), just had something different about her. Something new that I had yet to experience. As always though, there was “the look” that you just have with certain people and it’s more than enough to put a smile on your face. With that, she almost knew what I was thinking half the time. On multiple occasions, she actually finished some of my sentences. And on top of that, this one time around the holidays, we were both randomly singing the same Christmas song. Once we caught ourselves singing when we crossed paths, our eyes locked for a moment… right before we went back to work. The best way to describe, whatever this was between us, was the chemistry we shared.

Unfortunately, despite all the chemistry, we also had different religious views. Me personally, I just like to consider myself spiritual (something I talked about from a recent post). She on the other hand was very religious and was only interested in someone that was the same. Even with that, I still had this feeling she felt a certain way towards me. But hey, I’m not going to judge someone just because they have specific standards in a partner of what they’re looking for. We all have them. It’s just too bad because of our chemistry and only for it to be disregarded by this one particular thing. That’s okay though because life goes on, and you got to keep moving forward.

Nurses

Right around the time I had accepted it wasn’t going to work between this other barista I really liked… and also, because she was leaving this job to move in with one of her siblings out of state (no, I had nothing to do with it. I promise), I came across a second job working at the hospital. I wasn’t a nurse or anything, just because a. I never considered it an option and b… well, I guess that’s just it. I thought I had more. But my primary role here would be to help out the nurses with any non-medical needs and tasks. A completely new program that I got to be a part of the new pilot. With me like pretty much every new job I start, I like to observe as much as I can so I could understand what my role would be and get a feel for the vibe. Whatever the energy is, I’ll try to match it. At least when it comes to the work itself. Again, being in the hospital setting there are not just female nurses, but doctors, secretaries, physicians, and many more. As I always tell myself being somewhere new, “David… be on your best behavior. But also, don’t be afraid to crack a few jokes every now and then.” Just to keep everyone on their toes. That and to see who’s actually paying attention to me.

Like this one time I was talking to one of the nurses about why my eye was itchy. For a moment, I really thought I had gotten pink eye from the night before. Well, it was more or less from when I was sleeping in the middle of the night. I was really gassy and every time I would wake up, I let out a fart. It was this on top of my fan blowing towards me with the gas, so I’m soaking in my own stench and whoo! It was quite pungent. Hence, the reason I thought I had pink eye. Also, I really liked working at the hospital because yes, I help out whenever I’m needed or anything I can do to alleviate the workload from the nursing staff and anyone else in the department. But if I feel like I’m having issues with myself, I’m getting a free diagnosis… in a manner of speaking. Or rather a consult.

Anyway, it wasn’t long after I started this new role where I found myself wandering towards the beauty of the staff. Knowing that I am in a work environment, I still know to keep things professional. But there was this nurse that just stood out to me, where she had this aura of lust. And something almost immediately told me that she was special. Throughout the year that I was working there, I could just hear her voice and how she was with patients. She had such an amazing and positive energy. And her laugh, wow! I mean, it was so affectionate. With all that being said, whenever the two of us would bump into each other, I would strike up a casual conversation just to be able to get to know her more on a personal level. And there were also times when she would ask me personal questions as well. Even though we would maybe see each other once a week, sometimes if I’m lucky enough, I get to have these little conversations with her. Despite the short amount of time we do talk, it’s still a moment that we got to share with one another. And that alone just made my day so much brighter.

Sadly, so many good things tend to be almost temporary. My work there changed so much. At one point, I was only helping out on the weekends considering my other job I had. Then, another moment I had switched over to weekdays with an opportunity that only lasted so many months before it was gone. But not only that, this nurse that I was so into ended up switching to another department and rarely do I ever see her again.

Something that I wanted to add to why nothing ever came to fruition with these two individuals, is because we worked together, and I just couldn’t do that. Like I mentioned earlier, I do keep things professional. Almost like dating in the workplace is not allowed. But I see so many people do it all the time… which is just my excuse.

Truth is… and I’m sure you already know this, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what might happen if things don’t workout or if I get turned down. What that will do to our work relationship and how it might affect things. Could I stay professional after the fact? I’m not sure, but people meet their lovers so often from work. Maybe it’s time I change it up. I mean, why not? There’s this scene from Ratatouille between Remy and his father when he shows Remy the dead rats. His dad mentioned to him that the future is only more of this, and that you can’t change nature. Remy refused to believe that and told him, “Change is nature. The part that we can influence. And it starts when we decide.” And where I’m getting at with this is, well, if you’ve followed along the journey throughout my love life, you’ll know I haven’t really made a whole lot of changes. So, when I choose to make that change, then we could finally have a plot in this story of my love life. Let’s find out!

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What Rejection Feels Like

If this is not your first rodeo, then you already know. But that does not mean it doesn’t hurt. When you imagine both the positive and negative outcome but yet still surprised when it actually happens. That’s because expectations never really play out the way reality wants it to. This is where you prepare yourself to what you know best; your sad music playlist, comfort food or whatever helps get you through your grieving process. At least that’s how I cope with rejection.

It really is a process. Because I’m so used to it, I already prepare myself ahead of time if/when I get turned down. Of course, I’m referring to when I like someone I’m attracted to. It’s a part of my life. Most of the time I don’t even bother pursuing. And to add to the music playlist that I made specifically for this occasion, I do get myself a bottle of whiskey and find something to distract myself, so it doesn’t hurt as much. Sometimes watching a movie or playing video games help occupy my mind, but sadly when I do finish up, I’m right back to where I was.

This most recent time I did try a different approach. First and foremost, I’m not a player, I just crush a lot. And in this particular situation, I happen to like several women that I find myself somewhat close to. A couple of them I actually work with. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing considering I don’t really use dating apps and don’t get to meet people outside of work too often. Literally just looks and smiles when I’m grocery shopping. So, to get to my point, you do have more of a tendency getting to know the people you work with, which brings me to wondering why it’s such a bad thing dating your coworkers.

Business/Pleasure, I get it. Don’t get involved but what if you’re an introvert that doesn’t see too many people to begin with? At work, you build a connection with your colleagues. Some more than others. Yet the most difficult thing you have to deal with is how it might affect your relationship at work when you choose to make the move. I mean, where I work I suppose I could transfer to another store considering I work at a chain corporation? But that’s a hassle. I like where I work and I love the people I work with. But lately, I’ve been watching The Office and maybe I should just do it and put myself out there like Jim and Pam’s situation.

I wrote a letter, well, technically it’s more like a love poem. I wanted to be romantic and have the words rhyme, and it was only a short period of time I wrote this after talking to my work crush. We got into a conversation about how people don’t really write letters to each other anymore, and I wanted to change that. So, we agreed to write each other letters but I wanted it to be more meaningful and chose to open up my affectionate side. The thing is, sometimes we only work together maybe once a week, so I really tried to make the most of our time together. I really do go above and beyond trying to impress her but half the time I’m stuttering and stumbling over my words. Which is something I wrote in my so-called poem.

The thing is, to me at least, it really feels like a 50 First Dates situation. Every day I see her, I feel like I have to start from the beginning to try to impress her. To get her to like me. At least that’s how I look at it. It’s not easy, let me tell you. What doesn’t help is, even though at times my words can be… what some will say enchanting, I will still freeze and have nothing. I’ve been told by several of my colleagues that, I’m ‘rizzing’ with some of our customers, yet to this day, I don’t even know what that means. They tell me some of the customers I talk to are flirting with me yet I’m clueless because I’m just trying to make conversation. And let me tell you, if what I experienced was flirting then it has definitely changed over the past decade.

Flirting or not, if you are I would really appreciate it if you made it obvious to me. I really am clueless if you’re being subtle. And to get back to my point, rejection hurts. But at this point in my life, I have gotten better. I used to listen to what I consider sad songs, but now I’ve gone back to my early past and started revisiting those slow/R&B love songs that expresses my true feelings. I’m a hopeless romantic. And I will tell you more about that… on the next one.

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Honesty Goes a Long Ways

So, I met this woman who was sitting across the bar from me one night. She couldn’t take her eyes off of me. I know that look when I see it and wanted to find out more. As curiosity crossed my mind, I went over to introduce myself. And after getting to know each other, with a few drinks later, we went back to her place. Just because my place is a mess and I’m not proud of myself. It’s okay though, it’s probably just my depression. Anyway, back to my story. We’re back at her place and continued our conversation with a night cap. I got a little too comfortable where a fart slipped out. As embarrassed as I was, she didn’t seem to mind. Just giggled. Shortly after the smell went away, we hooked up.

Here’s the thing: the story I told, was a lie. And now you’re probably disappointed with me. But that’s okay (maybe), because I’ve had to deal with that one too many times. If you have friends that do this to you often, it makes it difficult to care what they tell you considering you don’t know if you want to believe what they have to say or what stories they tell. So, why bother?

The story that I told, still holds a lot of truth behind it. Apart from going back to the woman’s place that I mentioned, and thus leading to me manifesting the fart part, this was a really short story. Besides giving you a detailed description of my messy apartment, I was just drinking at a bar. So, what actually happened was…

“I was having a drink at the bar and noticed this woman across from me. She gave me this look. I like to call it the look of desire. So, I went over to introduce myself and as we got to know a little bit about each other, my night ended with me going home alone.”

The moral of the story is that I don’t have a clue how to close. I guess it’s just something that I never got over. Always afraid of rejection and lacking the courage to do so. However, I do enjoy conversating with people, especially if it’s a small group or a one-on-one situation. It just feels more personal.

I like to consider myself a people pleaser. I know it may not sound like a good thing, but it’s not all bad though. Just want to shine a little light onto people no matter what kind of day they are having. This whole thing is really about understanding where people are coming from. We all have a way about us that makes us do or say things that can be good or bad. But telling the truth is better than building up one lie after another. And if you want to keep certain things to yourself, by all means. Everyone should be entitled to their privacy. What you want to share is up to you.

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Who Had the Biggest Impact on the Person You Have Become?

It didn’t take me long to come up with a decision on this. And the more thought I put into it, the more it became clearer. I chose my brother.

What the power of an older sibling brings to the table is inspiration. If you’re together often and find yourself in so many situations, they are there to show you without really explaining it how to handle them. Good or bad, you always find something to take away from it.

Speaking of good and bad, my brother and I used to fight a lot back in the day. And when I say fight, I don’t actually mean physically. We only wrestled during commercial break while watching WWE/WCW to pass the time. But we would have many arguments about the littlest things. Always trying to prove each other wrong. I want to say to this day that’s why we both can be pretty blunt. I try to think more now before opening my mouth, but sometimes I can’t help it. Which is why, too often, I don’t say anything when I’m around a group of people.

With that being said, there’s so many great things I got from this. We always enjoyed watching movies, TV shows and many different sports, along with playing them, while a lot of what we watched were comedy. But this wasn’t just between us. It was with the rest of the family as well. To this day, both my brother and I would still find ourselves doing movie quotes as a form of conversation. We really do have quite the memory.

Sure, it’s true that anyone can shape you to the person you are today. Friends, family, colleagues, and even random strangers. Maybe it’s just me, but I try to learn from my interactions with everyone. At least the ones that make an impact enough to make me think. The way I look at life; you can never stop learning. Because you know there’s always room for improvement. Don’t be afraid to take down that stubborn wall, or you just might miss out on the wonderful things life has to offer.

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My High School Experience

As another school year comes to a close, whether you’re just graduating or still have a little ways to go yet, the experience itself is definitely something to cherish. Even if your time wasn’t the greatest, school is a place that’s there to help guide you in whatever it is that you’re searching for in life. Even if it’s not right away. If you ask me, I’m now just realizing what I was looking for, at least during my time in school.

Growing up, I was not too fond of learning. Especially my high school days. Education was a chore. You know it’s just something that has to be done. I was more interested in making friends and playing. All about having fun. And anytime I had the same class as a girl I had a crush on, it was one of the main reasons that got me out of bed in the morning. That sense of being able to see them was all the motivation I needed back then.

As an introvert, it was incredibly difficult to make friends. I had a small circle of friends, but we made plenty of memories with each other. Honestly, I don’t even know how it happened to begin with. Maybe that’s why teachers split their students up into small groups or in pairs. Could be a way for them to get to know one another better. Which makes a lot of sense.

So, because I had a small circle of friends, there were still times when I felt lonely. Like with lunch. We had a lot of students, so lunch was split into 2. And with that, I was almost always by myself. So I ate lunch alone. Never really fit into any groups or felt like I belong anywhere, even to this day. Just another reason why I didn’t care too much about my education, sadly.

It’s not all bad, though. Spending some time to just yourself can be joyful. You are in your own thoughts, or like me, I like to talk out loud amongst myself. It helps me with my speech, and if that day ever comes, public speaking (someday!) Overall, it is a really good opportunity for you to get to know yourself and who you are. If you can be true to yourself and use that around others, they will see the glow that you bring with you to your surroundings.

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Gossip Never Sleeps

Ah, yes. The classic saying, “Gossip never sleeps.” But why is that? Why talk about somebody behind their back in such a manner that people would see you as a bad person? The problem with that is there’s a good chance these people are the agreeable type. So, just about anything you say they will take your side. In terms; you’re not bad to them at all.

Maybe though, there are the few that will call you out on what you tell them. Which unfortunately, they will probably just end up talking about you when you’re not around to somebody else. And that’s the unfortunate cycle we live in.

Insecurities

We all come from different backgrounds. Whether good or bad, rich or poor, there’s only so much you can blame on how you were raised. Maybe it’s got something to do with being more privileged than others. Where you aren’t even aware of your actions and how you are when others aren’t even around to defend themselves.

I get it though. Most of the gossip happens when we’re younger. We honestly don’t know any better. That’s what comes with being young, you’re naive. But as we age, we learn. We learn about how terrible we were and what we said about others. Yet, I’ve witnessed even as older adults, the bad-mouthing still remains with some.

Your level of intelligence should not matter one bit. Except it’s even worse when the individual is smarter. And that’s because they know how to be more subtle about it. Your life cannot be that dull where you have the need to spice things up hoping to get a rise out of someone. If that is the highlight of your day, then I do hope that you become aware of your actions and choose to change yourself for the better.

If not… well, let’s just say I want nothing to do with you.

Put Gossip to Bed

The thing is, we all have problems in life that we have to deal with on our own, like it or not. But that doesn’t mean we can’t seek help or guidance to give us what we need to come to a decision in the choices we make.

Life just is. And because everyone is going through it, you don’t have to make someone else’s life more difficult by adding to their fire. That’s why I personally, especially in a professional setting, am kind to others. You can’t always know if somebody is having a good or bad day. The least you can do is offer them positivity.

Your actions, no matter how big or small, can pay dividends to those who need it… even if they don’t ask for it.

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Life After Graduation

“Congratulations class of…”… and there it is. That moment you’ve been waiting for. You and your graduating class celebrating together one last time. Not knowing if you’re actually going to see each other again. When you think about it, it’s pretty wild… but unfortunately sad. The next question to ask yourself is… what now?

Reflecting

Looking back in my past was something I did often. Maybe one too many reminiscing moments. But it wasn’t always a bad thing. I got to appreciate the good times I had when just about everything was so much simpler. Smart phones weren’t around then. Plus, I had almost no responsibilities compared to what I’m dealing with now. I don’t pick my nose as often. Boy, that was something! I constantly picked my nose when I was younger. Never ate the boogers though. Anyway, I kind of grossed myself out a bit.

There were many great things about my time growing up. For instance; most household had one telephone, which was a landline. So, if you were trying to get a hold of someone, you had to actually wait and see who would pick up the phone before having a conversation. It was that or we would go over to the person’s home to see if they wanted to hangout. You could have an interaction with almost every family member of the person you’re trying to see. And thinking back at it now, that is pretty cool. Especially if you’re the type that likes to make conversation.

Speaking for myself, but who knows, maybe many of you would agree, that what I miss the most when I was going to school was… pretty much all of it. Even though my mindset seemed to be elsewhere, because I’ll be honest, I did not care for half of my classes. For the most part, I really wanted to build relationships, have friends, and never ask out most of the girls I was crushing on. Best way to put it, I was easily distracted, which explains why my schoolwork was subpar. Thinking back at it, I’m pretty sure I had A.D.D.

What Now?

However your time was spent during your school years, let’s just hope you made some fond memories. Of course, that will always come with some bad ones. Which is just a part of life. But school isn’t just for education. It’s an experience. Making friends, falling in love, and in those unfortunate times, getting bullied or doing the bullying. Let’s just hope lessons were learned and to those that did the bullying, it stopped. Otherwise, that’s on karma.

Even though I was nowhere near the best student in my class, or the most popular, I did enjoy my time when I was in school. Apart from a lot of mistakes I would change, but who wouldn’t make changes? What happened happened and we have to accept it. Learn and grow from it. But I do appreciate the school I went to for even providing me with an education. And not just an education, but for the classmates and teachers that have come in and out of my life and most importantly, the memories. It’s the memories that define us. How we use it in our everyday lives from what we learned from it.

So, whether you have chosen to continue your education further into college, or to do something else, consider that a new chapter in your journey. There’s so much world out there. Make the most of it!

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Writer’s Block

It’s happened before and more than likely will happen again. As writing can be very therapeutic for you, you just can’t help but have those days where nothing comes to you. Whether it’s an article, book, or anything else, the canvas is going to be blank. So, how can you change that? What’s causing you to have writer’s block?

In the last couple of months, writing for me has been incredibly difficult. Not just from lacking the creative mindset to put in the work, but with how I’m living my life as well. During this time, I’ve been completely unmotivated to work on any of the handful of projects I have going on. My free time consisted mostly of laying on the couch and watching TV or playing video games. Which I understand that the mind needs some time off from the real world. But where does it come from? Does it ever end? Or is it normal because life just is?

A short time ago I actually did something I only imagined doing but was not sure if I would need to. A went to seek help from a therapist. After my doctor’s visit, I was missing something in my life that kept me from being truly happy. That’s when he recommended I see a therapist. What came from this after just one session was that I felt like I might have been juggling one too many things that I wanted to do with my life almost all at once.

The other big thing I learned was not holding myself accountable. When it comes to some of my jobs, I’m great! I do the best of my abilities during my time at work. I show up when I have to, perform the task given to me and crush it. If only I could say the same to the many projects I’m currently or been working on for some time now. It’s the aspect of other people that I don’t want to let down. When it’s just me, I am responsible for myself. Am I just used to letting myself down knowing there’s no repercussions?

The seriousness of letting yourself down might be more punishing than what’s shown on the surface. Coming from someone who almost constantly looks ahead into the future. The days that turns into weeks and even months that goes by without accomplishing anything wears me down mentally. That disappointment of no real achievements and the constant let downs. It’s heartbreaking.

Anyway, by seeing a therapist, I want to better myself. I know something is off and know that change needs to happen. What it comes down to, at least for me, is that by having someone that I go to for help, I see them as a mentor. Someone I don’t want to let down. After just one session, I’m confident that every day will be better as long as I continue to work on myself.

So far, I’m already seeing progress. Up until this very post, I had been writing from home. Something I am implementing is changing location. It could be that the atmosphere or my surroundings was causing me my lack of motivation to write or work on anything I have going on. For anyone else out there that’s dealing with something similar, give it a shot. A change of scenery could do you wonders!

And if you’re like me, single yet ready to mingle, it could be a great way to meet people and potentially build a friendship, colleague, or even a mate… but only time will tell.

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A Long Time Ago, I Farted

Going back to my childhood, not long after moving into our first house with my family, I was with my brother and sister in the downstairs living room. For the most part, we were watching TV, then suddenly, my brother let’s off a fart. Like the kids that we were, everyone laughed. Shortly after, my sister would do the same. And again, more laughing. But not realizing then, I was put on the spot. I felt like it was my turn to take a fart. The only problem was I didn’t have one loaded up. But I didn’t want to disappoint everyone (which was just the 3 of us), so I did my best to release what I could. Pushing a little too hard, it was at that moment, I had to throw out my underwear. I completely shat myself!

I don’t know if there was a moral to this story. But who doesn’t like a good fart?! And just for the record, I was able to fart… it just came with bonus material.

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The Time I Failed to Be a Good Samaritan

Not that long ago, in my neck of the woods, there was a snowstorm. Well, actually, more of an ice storm. It was freezing rain. While I was at work, it started accumulating only for a couple hours. Shortly after I would get off work, I headed home. As I came to a stop at a light, I noticed a couple vehicles stuck in the middle of the road. They were slipping on the road that had built up to be icy enough to make driving difficult.

For a moment, I hesitated. Not exactly sure what I should do. But after a brief moment, I took action. Pulled my e-brake and decided to at least try to help one car out. Unfortunately, I wasn’t wearing the best shoes, so I was constantly slipping on the icy road. Trying my best to help rock their car enough to get momentum to power through… yet nothing happened.

At this point, I was now holding up traffic, so I felt the need to get back to my car and apologizing to those that weren’t able to clear their car from that slippery slope. Not only did I not help, but I caused a bit of traffic. So, it was really a lose-lose situation. The only positive note was that I did not get stuck myself.

Moral of the story, when you try to be helpful to those in distress… it’s not as easy as everyone plays it out to be. Otherwise, it really is just me. Because here’s the thing: only a couple days afterwards, I was doordashing and was picking up an order at a restaurant. When I got inside, the assistant manager was on the phone trying to get a sheriff over for something that had happen not too long ago. This other gentleman that shortly arrived after I did heard that as well.

Then, not a minute later, this individual showed up causing a scene and the guy next to me just ended up leaving. The person that was making a scene started walking back into the ’employees only’ location of the restaurant and continued to get louder. It was at that moment I noticed an employee breathing heavily. At first, I wasn’t aware of what was going on with him. But shortly after, I just decided not to waste my time and ended up leaving myself.

After getting in my car and driving off, I started doing what I do best… using hindsight. The employee that was breathing heavily to me appeared to be having possibly a panic attack. All I could think of was what I could have done differently if I was back there. Which was trying to get his attention to me and to breathe slowly and take deep breaths. Motivate him and tell him he’s doing such a good job in calming down. To let him know that there is so much greatness out there in the world and not to focus on this one bad situation.

Sadly though… I did nothing… as normal. As much as I want to help people out, especially in situations like these… I crack under pressure. It may be one of my biggest weaknesses. I want to do better. I want to help those in need… maybe I’m just afraid. Or maybe I’m just too slow. My mind doesn’t always process things as fast as I would like. Some things, yes! But others, not so much.

Maybe that’s why I fail so much in life…

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