When Your “CRUSH” Doesn’t Feel the Same Way

For however long you’ve known each other, almost every moment you’re together, you just want to ask them out. But before that even happens, you role play a little bit by yourself. Trying to put together all these different scenarios in your head, or out loud while you’re in the car, at home, or wherever you find the time to. Yet despite everything you’ve played out, when that moment actually happens, nothing goes according to plan. Not a single thing you mentioned was used or expressed leaving you in a vulnerable position. Even if you never got around to asking them out, there’s no subtleness anymore, so you’ve made it clear to them that you like them. And in return, you get the same end results, again… and again. Getting crushed by your crush…

Although it isn’t a heartbreak, it definitely feels that way. Your body will feel cold, and not because of the weather. But rather your entire universe has been shattered. Almost like your soul has momentarily left your body so you feel nothing but a vast emptiness inside. The only reason you had these feelings in the first place is because you read the signs of interest. At least you thought that’s what they were. The pieces just kept piling on that you couldn’t help but believe that’s what was going on. The chemistry’s there and you built this connection with each other you were almost certain they were interested. Your confidence is at its’ all time high until you finally make your move only to be devastated by the news that you are more than familiar with.

Sadness kicks in, a feeling of lost. All those feelings you remember having back when you were depressed just right back to where they once were. You even made yourself a music playlist for when this moment would come back (that’s right! I made myself a playlist for when life just sucks and I’m feeling down). Every time you do get better; you tell yourself you don’t want to go back to that feeling. That feeling you’re way too comfortable with. Being alone and an outcast from just about everyone in your life. It happens far too often and sometimes you just let yourself know you won’t fall for anyone again. Maybe love isn’t for everyone. At least not in an intimate way. I’ve never been good at asking anyone out and I believe now there’s a reason for that.

So, how do you move on? If you’ve been there before you’ll know how. It takes time. Do the things you have to do, but this time you’re more responsible. If you have to drink, then drink. If getting high is your thing, by all means. Me? I listen to sad music, watch sad movies, pour myself a drink or two, or three. Sometimes you have to feel miserable before getting better. But you will get better. You always have. It hurts, but you will get through it…

(My) Office Romance I

There’s no denying the sexual tension between you and at least one of your colleagues, at least during one point in your working career. I’m sure to any The Office fans out there, or at least have watched enough, you know about Jim and Pam’s relationship. All that tension they had and build up before getting together. A lot of people have fantasized that being them, unless of course you’re married or in any other status. But there’s nothing wrong with looking. We’re human. It’s in our nature to wonder. And then there’s curiosity. If you let that take control of you, then you’ve cheated on your partner. As always, I’m getting beside the point. However, if you are single then curiosity is welcomed. It’s just the matter of having the courage to asking out this individual that makes you feel vulnerable inside. And that’s where I come in…

Work History

Since graduating high school, I spent the next several years working from one job to another, and another. So much so, the number of jobs I’ve had is somewhere over 30. I stopped keeping track when I got to around 25 or so. With some of these jobs however, I did happen to find attraction towards my coworker. Whether or not we worked together or just being in the same building. Like to the point I would turn my head so far over I’ll end up running into something. Time moved a bit slower for me, music playing inside my head, and then I would end up missing out on yet many other opportunities. Mostly because since time slowed down for me while the music is in the background, to everyone else time was moving normally. So, they would just pass on by without even knowing I existed. At least that’s what I figured at the time. I know, I’m aware of how sad that is. But on the other side, these stories do have an ending.

First Job Crush

Let’s take a look at my first official job I started out at. I was 16 and started working at McDonalds. How I got this job, I have no idea, at least at the time. Crushing the interview only to see me in my true nature in the public. Being this quiet, shy, cute (I could go on…) young teenager working in a fast-paced environment. I worked as a cashier, but it was short lived considering 3 weeks was how long I was a McDonald’s employee before getting let go. My boss at the time said I didn’t appear to be motivated enough in the establishment. Which I don’t blame her for that. I knew I wasn’t. Especially being quiet and shy. Times were different for me back then. But during my 3 weeks there, I just so happened to have stumbled upon what I believe, was an angel. She was this stunning blonde with an aura that lit up my eyes working the drive-thru window. The music that was playing in my head at the time was probably Boyz II Men’s I’ll Make Love to You. I was hardcore into R&B at the time so it’s safe to say I knew all about that baby making music, even though I was still a virgin. But all of that was a never was. Like I mentioned before, I only worked there for 3 weeks so I had no clue if she was single or dating someone. She did ask me something during a time we were slow at work, but I forgot what it was. Thinking about it now, she was probably just trying to make conversation and wanted to get to know me a little better. Unfortunately, never got a chance to find out too much more. It was what felt like another lifetime ago.

When it comes to having your first job, depending on who is raising you, ask them first. Figure out if you’re ready to get out there in the world. Out in the eyes of the public. Although, there are many negatives and cruelty with the public, there are also positives and even enlightenment. You could learn so much from a job, and not just what you learn at home and at school. Just like how I learned about Angels existing right in front of me. Unless my eyes are cheated by some spell. But only 10 or so feet away working the drive-thru.

Stay tuned for part II…

The Problem with SOCIETY… from My Point-of-View

When we have issues with each other, what do we typically do? We talk about it. It’s that simple… but it’s not. Our emotions, how we feel inside, we’re too afraid to tell anybody. Unless for the most part it’s your shrink. And of course, when we’re in our vehicles. Everyone is probably at their most expressive being in their car. Yelling at other drivers for something that half the time is really their fault and not the other person. But face to face interactions, that’s a whole different story.

The majority of the world are strangers to you. So, the question is, do you really want to perceive yourself as more of a hostile person? Why not be caring or shine some light to those who need it, stranger or not. Take your neighbors as a great example. I’m sure most of us don’t even talk to all or a lot of them. If they do something that irritates or bothers you enough, is it so difficult to just go over, knock on their door, and hopefully politely let them know? Because chances are they are unaware of what’s going on around them.

Why My Neighbors Might Think I’m Crazy

I live alone in an apartment. That means I share a hallway and walls with my neighbors. I always wonder too many times if I’m being too loud. I’d hate to be that neighbor everyone has to deal with. Is my TV on too loud? Do the walls constrict sound pretty well? Or can everyone hear it when I talk to myself all the time? I know I sound crazy, but I talk to myself to practice my speech. I interact with people almost every day, mostly customers and other employees. It’s a method that I use so I’m not constantly inside my own head and stressing about anything and everything.

Another big issue I feel my neighbors might have with me is that about once a week I would go out for a smoke. Weed that is (I know I said I stopped but this time feels different). I would end up spraying some cologne on myself and take a quick drive to air it out before coming back home. The problem is that the scent from the weed more than likely is still on me, and I would leave a trail of the smell walking in thru the hall. If that’s so, my neighbors know it’s from me, leading them being angry. Like a lot. I think one of my neighbors might be trying to drill through the concrete wall in hopes that it’ll collapse on me. Also, that is me being paranoid. Which is why I really have to stop smoking, so I don’t have these thoughts in my head anymore. I have heard some of my neighbors saying something (but couldn’t quite make out specifics) and it hurts me because no one had the nerves to just come knock on my door to tell me to my face.

Overall

It’s easy for people to get along. But just as easy for them to languish. Why something so simple as just telling someone what’s bothering them is like the biggest risk anyone has to take. I love watching movies and television shows. And what I learn from them is that whenever there’s a conflict or tension, the characters find the time to talk it out with each other. In my world, it’s almost the complete opposite. We think just because something is only a movie or TV show that there’s no takeaway from it. But that’s not true at all. Take a lesson in your life from this, know that they are trying to tell us something. We can hear just fine. But we don’t listen. All I’m trying to say is talk to each other. But have manors and be polite. There’s no need to take something this small and turn it into everything it’s not. Like The Beatles said… “Come Together.” Because we need it now more than ever.

How My Day Went… Waking up at 3:30am

When you work at a coffee shop (especially if you open), you’re going to have to wake up pretty early. Depending on what time the store opens, you have responsibilities that may involve some prepping and other opening duties. I don’t typically open. The only reason I did this time was to cover for a colleague of mine. And one of my weaknesses is when being asked in person to do something, like stay later, or in this scenario, cover for someone that meant opening, I have a difficult time saying no. Unless obviously I can’t. So, even despite knowing that I have to go into work early, the night before I already knew I wasn’t going to bed earlier than normal. In which, there was going to be lack of sleep.

The Morning Of…

Alarm goes off, and surprisingly I’m not terribly exhausted. I have my morning routine that I do, then I’m out the door and headed to work. I made sure to let my colleagues know that this was my first time opening since my training (which was probably a good 6 months prior), that way they are prepared in case I make many mistakes. For the most part everything went alright. But I did notice some differences; I don’t normally work the middle of the week, so when it came to talking to customers, I was a bit thrown off. It’s not like I can ask them how their weekend was or what they have plan for the weekend. It’s too… in the middle of the week for that! So, for the rest of my shift I was very one dialogue type of person. Like an NPC in a video game. Fortunately though, I got out of work much earlier and that gave me a lot more time to do a little Doordashing.

It was one of my best dashes I had during lunch time. For the most part it went smoothly. And afterwards, I had the rest of the afternoon and night to myself. Mostly just to relax. I was proud of myself yet knew I didn’t want to do that again. Just because I interact with customers quite often and it really did get to me a bit. Stumbling my words here and there, and not knowing what else to say when most customers are just getting coffee and heading into work. To summarize, it was really repetitive. However, felt like a lesson in life when communicating with people. This made me want to open up more topics to discuss with customers while they’re waiting for their order. But I will say, I slept great that night.

So long, from a non-morning person!

My First Vegas Experience

Strip club, check… welp, and that’s it for my list! Haha, almost. Not that it was planned, it did happen though. One of the first things I did there was placed a $100 bet on black (Roulette) and the plan was to let it ride a few times. So, first hundred and the ball is spinning. As it plinkos its’ way to a stop, it was black. Up 100, I knew what had to be done next. “Let it ride!” The Plinko game returns. And what do you know, winner winner, chicken dinner! Now I’m up to 400 total and this was when everything changed. I hesitated. Instead of telling the dealer to let it ride, I paused a bit longer and ended up taking 200 out leading me at +100 in which the ball landed on red. That little bit of hesitation was what probably determined if I could have left there with $800 and the strip club would have been free, or leaving with -100. But we’ll never know. Instead, I ended up spending most of my expenditures at one place, which led me to borrowing money from a friend. Oh boy! Yeah, that happened.

Other than doing a lot of walking, which was great for my Fitbit and my health, we did catch ourselves an Adam Sandler break when we needed it. There was a marathon going on, even at the hotel we stayed at before our flight in had it going on. That was pretty cool. Except for when we were waiting in the car while one of our buddies was checking us in at the hotel. I was in the middle seat and one of the guys farted and I caught a big wind of it. We had to escape from the car which in turn led to me throwing up. Yeah, that was wild. So anyway, the Vegas. On our last night there, we were playing blackjack at the ole O’Sheas. Lady luck was on my side that night. Made enough to pay back my friend and had enough to eat again. What a win for me! Came in clutch. Although, we did have to stay an extra night to do so. Our flight got cancelled from a winter storm. So, we’ll think of it as overtime.

And that, everyone, was my first Vegas experience.

Until the second time…

The Untold Story: About Life… so far

When it comes to people, how do you know you can trust them? Like really. I’m not trying to start anything or initiate some wrongdoing. All I’m saying is whenever you’re doing or saying something and people, whether they are your friends, family, or coworkers, they without letting you know might have more to express about you behind your back. Unfortunately, I’ve been in some similar situations. The problem is the individual or multiple people that are involved don’t say anything to you. And that’s where and when the problem begins. If you’re a very open-minded and observant person, you’ll notice some things. The truth is, all you expect in return is the truth. People to tell you when something is wrong, or when you may have something to do with the problem. Those are the people that I respect. But the issue I have is when things are unsaid. I’ve spent more than enough of my life to know that if something is wrong, I would like to know about it. That’s why anyone who tells me anything, I respect them whole heartedly. But then there’s the people who decide to keep things to themselves. Or at least with those they feel are close to them. How do you expect a relationship to be stronger if you can’t even tell the person you feel who is bothering you about a problem what’s wrong?

I’m sure a lot of this has to do with overthinking, but sometimes my overthinking personally has been right. But it’s been wrong at times… and then there’s your gut. When you have a gut feeling about something, like the old saying says… “go with your gut” or something like that. I honestly don’t know any more at this point. Everyone lives their own lives. There’s only so much we can do to change it. Pastors, Motivators, Phycologist, Teachers and whatnot. At some point in our lives, we need to be aware of what we know. And what we can change to better ourselves as human beings. Life is short. Make the most with what you have to work with. Just be sure it’s something positive and can give hope for generations to overcome adversity.

Beans

Whether we’re talking coffee beans, food beans, or women beans… (Oh boy here we go, “get it together David!”) it needs to be taken care of with love, passion, and tenderness. I work at a coffee shop and every time I use the rest room, there it is! A picture frame of a coffee bean. My mind goes to one place, and then my tongue to another. Hahaha no, not like that. I wouldn’t actually lick the artwork. It’s my mind that goes there. It’s like a subliminal message. Just because it’s been a while doesn’t mean you have to rub it in my face Universe.

Any who, coffee beans and beans you eat, not eat out, are just as important. The time and patience you have to put in to make sure you have a good quality bean, whether it’s light, medium, or a dark roast matter. And if you’re making something like a white chicken chili matters too. I personally would throw all that in a crock pot, set it, and forget it! At least for 4-8 hours, depending on if your cooking temperature is on low or high.

No matter what the bean, take care of it. Because in the end, it’s there to satisfy your thirst or hunger. Whether it’s low calorie or not.

(I may have had a little too much whiskey… but also not enough. Happy 4th of JULY!!!)

A.D.D. And Its’ Origin: The Simple Version

Whether it’s ADD or ADHD paying attention to many things can be difficult. I have a theory that how we are disciplined growing up affects our learning, not just with school, but with life as well. Let’s take schooling for example, I’m in class and the teacher is talking forever and it just seems like it’s never going to stop. The only thing that I’m waiting for next is when we get to start doing an activity. Something where I can be more hands on… but that moment never happens. At least in certain subjects of school. We go straight to paperwork, and I have almost no idea what I’m supposed to do next. This tells me one of two things, that I learn better from doing activities and possibly group projects. And then the other is communication. The style in teaching doesn’t seem to help me out a whole lot and I have to look at it from another perspective.

Blah blah blah then something about the parents or guardians (see what I did there?) of the child and how they are being raised affects their learning in school. Now, it depends on the teacher to point out which of their students are having a more difficult time learning in class. I want to assume that’s why we have Parent/Teacher Conferences. And that’s when we get to things like Extra Curricular activities. Instruments and other things of that nature that doesn’t necessarily involve words to learn opens up one’s skillset. Back in elementary school, I loved learning about pianos and keyboards. Through time, I taught myself how to play a beginner’s version of songs like the Titanic’s My Heart Will Go On, those nursery rhymes, and some of the hockey music you hear at the games. The reason why most Asians are good at math my guess is they were raised more disciplined. Words were not a strong suit of their elders. That’s why when you see in movies and TV shows, nothing the child ever does in school is enough to please their parents. I will say that is a little far-fetched. At least it wasn’t that way in my household.

Another good takeaway from this was when I was watching King of The Hill. There was an episode about how Bobby was diagnosed with ADD and it just hit me like a sack of potatoes. Bobby could not focus or pay attention in school. What he lacked was that verbal interaction and bonding time with his dad. Hank was always trying to avoid doing things with him that didn’t seem to pique his interest. So, pretty much what I’m informing is as a former child of my parents, learning was difficult for me as well. Some subjects I was great at and others, not so much. The lack of communication that I had with my family made it hard to pay attention in school. But I won’t blame them for any of that. I think I turned out alright. At least I can say that I’m well aware of it now.

But it’s not just school…

It’s one thing to speak, to say words, but it’s another to understand it. What do I mean? When I was younger, a child, and I didn’t get to have things my way, I would pout, I would cry. Sometimes I would get hit for making a scene (I was a very dramatic person without realizing it). The thing is, I never understood why I didn’t get the things that I wanted. That was my discipline. I believe that a lot of Asian cultures were like that, and still are probably. The use of words wasn’t a big thing as to parents wanting their kids to graduate from school and get a job or go on to get a degree from college and support the family. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to do what I can to support my family. It just has to be my way, doing what I love, and not having to work until I’m in my 60s at a job with no future. Another thing is we buy each other a whole bunch of scratch-off lottery tickets and hope for the best. After so many years of being disappointed from this, I know that’s not the way I feel I was meant to make a living and be successful. There’s so much out there, and I just want to capture the dream!

My Prom Night

Over a decade ago, it was my senior year and graduation was around the corner. But first, it’s time to get jiggy with it! Just days before prom (or weeks, I’m not really sure anymore at this point) I had gotten fitted for my suit. All white with pin stripes with a chain and top hat. That’s right, I went all out with the tuxedo get-up. So much so, when we went out to have dinner other customers at the restaurant thought I was getting married. The venue for our prom was pretty nice. At a location not at the high school gymnasium as movies typically show. Unless of course we were just really fortunate. And in that case, I’m really grateful for what was given to us. Nobody that I know of spiked the punch bowl, so it was a sober night for us.

For the longest time to this day, there was this girl that I had art class with whom I would share stories and feelings with. We were pretty close for the two semesters we had together. This is where the clueless person in me kicked in and if my hindsight of the situation is true, she had a thing for me. We got to know one another quite well for the short amount of time we were in class. I remember talking about another girl I had a crush on to her one too many times not thinking about how she felt. The reason for bringing this up was when I was slow dancing with another girl at prom, I noticed her just several feet away staring at me with this look. You know, the look you give someone like “this could have been us, but you effed that up.” And in return, I gave her that look of how I disappointed her and what potentially could have been. That look where “oh sh*t. I screwed this up big, didn’t I?” Of course, considering how long ago that was, we all move on. And unlike in movies and TV shows, it’s not like I would randomly bump into her down the road to explain to her the situation or express my feelings for her. I messed up. She was into me, and I missed my moment. I have to bite the bullet on this one. The show has to go on. And again, another opportunity missed.

As prom night was wrapping up, there was nothing like hitting up Denny’s to end the night with everyone we went with. Well, most everyone. For me, there was no afterparty to go to. No cottage at Stifler’s moms to get that one last chance to lose ones’ virginity. It was just a late-night meal and back home for a “I didn’t get any” wank. Overall, prom was good. Made some memories with friends but considering how long ago this was, I don’t quite remember all the details. Here’s to prom and hoping to anyone else out there to make decisions you won’t feel like you’ll regret. Salut!

The Time I Became A Stripper

In this phase in my life, I had a difficult time keeping my clothes on. It was just about 10 years ago, right around the time one of my buddies, Jerry, my neighbor who I grew up with for some time had gotten married, Magic Mike had recently been released. Since I didn’t really know his wife too well at the time, I decided to do something special. (oh boy, I’m really about to write this) The reception for Jerry and Janie was on a yacht that we took out in the lake somewhere just off of Detroit. Which by the way was incredible. I had made a request to the DJ to play Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 because you know, Magic Mike. It was at that time I proceeded to taketh off my top, dance and sing for Jerry. It definitely brought in quite the crowd. Not that this mattered or anything but it was open bar and I was not sober. But that doesn’t mean I was completely hammered either. Just making memories and having ourselves a wonderful time.

The rest of the summer consisted of house parties my roommates would have with one of our very own, Mario (an old roommate and friend), who was a DJ himself (DJ Fingerblast I believed), just having the time of our lives. More of my clothes would come off at these parties and I just did what I did best. Being half naked. This eventually led to me dancing in front of a crowd of people at an actual strip club towards the end of the summer. How this happened was the job I was working at, there was a guy there that did that on the weekends for a living who went by the name Phoenix. He showed me the ropes a little. My first night there I was only meant to spectate. With the lack of dancers we had, I was asked to perform. I agreed but was really nervous, and unintentionally got hammered and did my thing for 3 songs. This skinny but ripped little Asian guy shaking it for dollar dollar bills y’all for about 10 minutes making $11 in the process. Which by the way, not a bad turnover rate. I later knew I was in no condition to drive so without realizing it, I slept in my car until I had sobered up a bit.

My stripper name… Viper. I had asked some friends to help me with that. They knew I was a fan of Randy Orton and that’s how that came to be. Instead of RKOing people out of nowhere, I was taking my shirt off in front of people out of nowhere… just kidding. But not really. Overall, it was a memorable summer and there wasn’t a whole lot I would change about it. Just another story to tell. The story of how I became a stripper for just one night.