Tag: gas

Honestly… how much time do we waste in our lives just pooping?

Yeah, sure you’re relieving yourself of your duties. That’s great and all, but do you ever sometimes wonder if this is the final time? As you struggle because things aren’t flowing smoothly as you’d like, it’s daunting. Didn’t Elvis passed away on the toilet? I know very little about any of that, to the point it’s just word of mouth. Which used to be how people communicated to send messages to one another… shortly after pigeon carriers.

I went thru a weird phase at one point in my life when I was really gassy and at a previous job I would crop dust almost constantly (during my working out/protein shakes often days). I assumed with the concept of “heat rises” so would farting. No one was around me but with too much spare time to myself to think, I wondered if my fellow colleagues thought I was the “stinky kid” but as adults. In theory, the same thought happened about pooping. Does the smell linger/follow me even after I’m no longer in the area, even though it came out of my butt?

With smartphones at its’ prime, people tend to take much longer in the restrooms than normal because I believe they forget they’re on the toilet for more than that one reason. As I try not to get too detailed in case you’re eating or trying to enjoy life (probably a little too late for that)…

I made-up a fake (but maybe possible in the future) sort of medicine. Consider it like a heartburn medication, or even less. Let’s say this is one of those adverts you see during commercial:

“Are you tired of wasting your life away on the toilet? Sometimes you sit on your porcelain throne wondering if it’s your last deuce. Well, with modern technology, now you don’t have to! No longer will you need to use the restroom to do number 2! Take this pill and it tears into your excrement yet still releasing the proteins into your body for growth and good health.”

“To spare you from the details, you no longer have to poop and spend hours upon hours that turn into days throughout your life sitting on the toilet. You could use that time to enjoy life, maybe. All it does for “side-effects” is one good fart. Or two.”

“I give you… No Shit!“

“No more constipation to ruin your day and night. A stomachache-free life will get you doom-scrolling in the comfort of your couch or bed. No more Quasimodo hunchback that you’re creating with bad posture from pooping. Live your life. The way you want it!”

“… also available in lemon flavor farts!”

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My Interesting Search History: About GAS

When it comes to our search history, let’s just say that is personal stuff and should stay private. But… if you’re like me, maybe you want to share with people what random thoughts come to mind that makes you wonder. For today’s topic, we will talk about gas. Am I referring to more solids, liquids, gas, or more the gas that passes through your body? Or both! Let’s find out.

The other day at my job, I had plenty of time to myself and my thoughts. Which can be, well, the best way to put it, incredibly entertaining to say the least. So, here’s what happened; after work the day prior, I had a headache. The one that stops you on your tracks where productivity just isn’t happening. I took some medicine then a nap on the couch. Later on, I made dinner and had myself a protein shake shortly before just calling it a night. Fast forward to work the next day, I was getting really gassy. Not much I can do but to hold it in. That’s when I can literally hear my stomach making noises that I never really paid much attention to. It was like my insides were farting since I was not in the place to just pass gas without being rude.

There is one place I go to find relief, the restroom. It works wonders when you have those air dryers since they are fairly loud if you’re worried about people hearing you. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself, “Oh well.” And on the rare occasions I had, it wasn’t just gas that was being held in when I got to the restroom. This required me to drop everything to the floor.

So, anyway I did some more research on farting and when it comes to holding it in, it still has to pass somewhere. In a way, it leaks through your bloodstream and into your lungs which causes you to burp (which is not the only reason for burping). This put me at a bit of discomfort. I’m now thinking that by passing gas through my mouth, when I’m talking to someone, they might be thinking to themselves, “I think this guy is eating what’s between the butt cheeks.” And to my defense, I can only say that I just say it but don’t actually do it.

Now, there was a point in time I got a little paranoid about the stinky farts. Maybe still do actually. I questioned if the fart particles stuck to my clothes and now I’m basting in that all day while my colleagues or friends and family have to just smell me. Sorry. I am trying to watch what I eat/drink. It’s that lactose.

So, with that being said, farting is going to happen and holding it in will obviously make you feel worse. That or have butt breath (according to my internet research). But in a way, we’re all just a bunch of fart particles ourselves. Just ask the stars in the universe.

Stay gassy!

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Why Dairy Is Bad For You… The Stupid Version

You’re at work, maybe in a meeting, or just surrounded by your colleagues, and all of a sudden it hits you. The gas build-up from the cereal and coffee you had earlier that morning. You need to fart really bad. So, you do the only other option you have. A trip to the bathroom. Hoping that when you get in there no one else is in there as well. That’s when you let it rip. The relief of that gas sliding out your butthole. Sometimes it’s loud and proud, other times it’s silent but deadly. Either way you feel a thousand times better about yourself. But where does this gas come from? Outside the scientific term, here is my simple explanation…

As human beings, I have a theory that we’re all lactose and tolerant. And me personally, I would say that I’m sometose and tolerant. From what we eat and drink growing up, our bodies start to form a tolerance to specific types of food and drinks. But dairy is no exception… sort of. Don’t you ever wonder why hard-boiled eggs smell like your typical Sunday morning after a night of drinking? Although I do enjoy chocolate milk with some protein powder (which tastes like a really good smoothie), I get some side effects from it the morning after. That also goes for cheese as well. Why do you think the French calls our “behinds” derrière? It sounds an awful lot like dairy, and dairy is very close to diarrhea which comes out our butts quite pungently. Just remember, these are just my theories to add to what I’m sure there already is proven facts about dairy. I’m just simplifying the equation. Thank you!

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