What Do YOU Think About… in Life?

The billion-dollar question nobody is asking. As I was sitting there on the toilet doing my business and without my phone, I had a moment to think… like what had happened earlier that day at work. A conversation I had with a colleague of mine, whom I was attracted to (not sure if I used that correctly, the whole “who” “whom” thing).

Anyway, Christmas music was on, we sang a little bit, then I told her how in one of my past lives I was Santa Claus. She told me that was not true which led me to explaining to her that I know when people are being naughty or nice. In turn, she laughs but what surprised me the most, and never expected, she tells me she was Mrs. Claus. And that blew my mind, I was caught off guard. So much was going on in my head, but I had to say something. And by the way, what happened next was not my finest hour (which happens a lot), I said a few words which I can’t remember, but all I know is that it was followed by me laughing the words, “ho, ho, ho!”… and just like that, I ruined the moment, again.

As I tried to recover, it was already too late. The moment had passed, and we just ended up going back to working. But also, when I did finally say something after laughing like Santa it was maybe like 30 seconds later. And when you’re in the moment, 30 seconds can feel like an eternity.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s fast forward to when I was pooping. When I was sitting there, the thought of what happened at work crossed my mind again. What I think about almost always is what I could have done differently. That and put myself in similar scenarios so I could prepare for a next time that almost never happens. The thing about these moments in life is that most of the time, you only get one.

I couldn’t help but think what was going through her mind; “Does David like me?” “Maybe he’s not interested?” Especially how I reacted to her perfect Mrs. Claus response. As I’m trying to look at this from her perspective, she’s throwing me these vibes that I’m so clueless to figure out. Not right away at least. All I know is that I don’t know. Only what seems to be, and that is she made her move and I failed to see it.

The countless times I play these scenarios in my head for what could be possible is that I want to impress her. The fact that I put so much time and thought into this can only mean that I really care about her. Because I want things to go right, but when it actually plays out, it’s so much better. I just mess it up, terribly! Opportunity can literally come knock on my door, and I’ll be too clueless to figure it out.

Basically, my love life in a nutshell.

My Christmas Wish (This Year)

Dear Santa,

I know this is odd that I’m writing you through my blog and not a traditional formal letter (which I might still end up doing just to be sure!), but there is something I wanted to ask of you. Something completely different than what you are probably used to receiving like toys and other similar gifts. What I would like from you is courage.

The courage to not be selfish with my feelings because I’m too nervous to tell someone I like how I feel about them. Or the courage to get out of bed every morning and taking on the day with motivation and drive instead of sleeping in like I normally do, which then leads me to missing out on many opportunities in life. That last one might not have anything to do with courage but I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from.

This year has been extremely difficult for me to process. I know I haven’t been as nice as I would like to be, but I also know that I haven’t been too naughty as well. Whatever your definition of naughty is, let’s hope I don’t get coal for Christmas this year. What I do know is that you know I’m almost always trying to work on myself to be a better person, and I’ll always continue that until my time is up.

I do find it much easier to write which is why I have a blog in the first place, not only because it’s very therapeutical for me, but let’s me express myself freely and hope that it reaches out to others who can relate, maybe learn from, or are at least entertained by what I have to say.

I want the courage to finally work on my passions and stay disciplined and continue them instead of constantly starting and stopping. I barely am able to blog on a weekly basis because I’ve just been so down lately.

Life is difficult, at least for me. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I have dreams and aspirations I would love to achieve in the near future and not leave them where they have been since forever, which is in my dreams. I want it to be a reality because I am aware of what I can offer to those I care about. To be able to shed some light into this dark hole I’m in.

Anyway, Santa, Mr. Claus, if you’re reading this, and it’s not too much of a hassle for you to help me out just enough, I would forever be grateful. Because I know there’s greatness behind a lot of my intentions in this life. And I want to provide for my family so I can finally know what it’s like to live a happy and healthy life. Thank you!

Yours truly,

David