“Tonight’s the night… but so is every night. The people in this city grow weary from the constant battle. Why did these powers have to come to me? What did I do to deserve this? But it’s my legacy now…” Our hero himself struggles to rest from saving people one after another. Unfortunately, on this particular night, it’s a 2 for 1 deal at the buffet and sadly, people can’t stop stuffing their faces and grow incredibly constipated afterwards. The hero we deserve, but not the one we need… Constipation Man!
A superhero that helps people poop. By just placing his hand on their stomachs, he can alleviate their cramps. It’s just recommended that they be near a toilet. The people of his city are extremely grateful. It’s not often you can literally be relieved of your duties. But that doesn’t make it easy for our fine hero. Not only is he always on duty, but he can’t fly or travel faster than the speed of light or anything like that. If you’re within a certain range, he can sense it.
He does live quite a sad and lonely life, though. When he first acquired his powers, it was at an unfortunate time. He was on a date with someone and as they were making out, he gently had his hand on her stomach which triggered her to have to go. So, she had to make up an excuse to end the date earlier than expected. This would go on for some time and our hero was completely unaware of the situation. He just thought there was something wrong with him so in a way, he gave up on love.
So, that’s our hero’s life and he has accepted his fate. Saving the constipated because they forget to consume enough fiber in their diets. That and the lack of water to help break down the solids, probably. Just remember to not only kids, but adults as well, eat your green vegetables! Your stomach will thank you.
– From your friendly neighborhood, Constipation Man
My Life Experience 